perhaps you need new friends?

navigating friendships outside of convenience and circumstance

July 1st has arrived, and friendship groups worldwide are cracking under the weight of group holidays and the like — if they make it out of the group chat. Cue the entertaining TikToks and titles like “who the f*ck did I take to Paris” all representing thoughts I’ve had on friendships for a while now. There’s something about summer that brings everything to light, behaviours you’ve ignored, sentiments you’ve hidden. Maybe because it’s the start of a new season, but also for many, the end of a chapter, school, university, or your lease. Whatever it is, it’s the perfect time to do some re-evaluation.

It occurred to me recently that I haven’t been deeply annoyed or unsettled in a while, at least by people I’ve chosen to have in my life. I think back to being in a classroom or the office with people I was only around by circumstance (or convenience), and cringe at the awkward but inevitable moments I (we) had to endure. Someone says something insensitive and unnecessary, but societal norms dictate that I must keep my composure most of the time, at my peril. The worst of these moments always happened in History. The curriculum meanders into anything African, and suddenly everyone’s head’s on a swivel and staring directly at me. I couldn’t do anything then.

At the very least, I did choose my friends; there were people I liked and people I didn’t, but even then, I was drawing from a curated pool of children who just happened to go to that school at the same time as me. It’s different now for us, or at least it should be.

In conversations with other people about friends or friendship groups, it becomes evident that a lot of people feel stuck or at odds with the relationships in their lives. I hear stories of friends who are lovely and kind but just happen to say alarming things during a political debate. Friends who have a funny habit of making you feel bad because it’s just how they communicate. Friends who’ve just been around for ‘forever’. It’s in these moments, I realise how privileged I am to say these instances are far and few between.

My friendships these days feel like an extension of home. I don’t have to step outside of myself to do life with them, and being with them feels like walking into another room in my house: familiar and trustworthy. There’s not much they could say that would shock me. Our bonds have truly been tested, and I can wholeheartedly say I know and accept who my friends are. There’s no tolerating. Just alignment. There are rarely disparaging stories to tell, and I realise now that I made a series of small choices along the way, out of necessity, that led me to this.

saying goodbye

To get here, of course, I had to be a bit selfish, which meant slowly detaching from things or people I knew were at the least making me uncomfortable, at most having a negative impact on me. It was after the first year of university, having spent an unnecessary amount of time with people I liked, but had friends I couldn’t stand. I would find myself intentionally skipping outings so I wouldn’t have to confront the facts. If they could tolerate their friends’ behaviour, what did that say about them and, in turn, about me?

Some traits are harmless, but at the end of the day, who you surround yourself with makes or breaks your life, and sometimes, in extreme situations, like an all-girls summer vacation, it’s a matter of self-preservation. I look back on times I felt uncomfortable on a night out with people who couldn’t tell or didn’t care that I felt uneasy. Having to explain to people why I, as a black woman, had different priorities when it came to the concept of “safety”. When I started feeling like I had to convince people of my reality, I knew I had to go.

But then comes the guilt and other associated feelings. I am by no means advocating for, nor did I cut people off on a whim. I’d choose honest communication most time. Fortunately, I’ve never had to lose a decade-long friendship, but I’ve had to manage other strenuous relationships, and I know how badly we can make ourselves feel for choosing ourselves over uncertainty, especially when you’re so used to looking the other way. Fortunately, the long-term benefits make up for it tenfold.

And then there’s the idea of a dwindling friendship group, the number of people you can call to keep you company getting smaller, if not halving. And here’s where we have to be honest with ourselves. What is it about having a seemingly large number of friends that comforts us? Of course, we want it to be an abundance of connections and good times, but sometimes I think it’s something else. Perhaps, an affirmation that you’re normal, that you’re liked, that you can indeed do this life thing the way you’re meant to or taught to. Of course, people have friends for all kinds of reasons, but what is at the core of your connection?

I was laughing with a friend, T, over certain phrases I see, I see, make their rounds on the internet. Stuff like “all my friends are pretty”, or “pretty people are only friends with pretty people”. I proposed a different metric of success: “All my friends are well informed, proudly care about politics and aren’t afraid to show it”. In short, it’s all fun and games, but you’re friends should truly represent your values. At least in my opinion.¹ That way, even when the number of friends you hold dear is smaller, the quality of the friendships does more than enough to affirm you in your capabilities.

finding new friends

But of course, there’s always room for more. So, how do we do that? Luckily, I’ve been branching out recently, and it’s been a gift to myself. One of the only ways to make friends as an adult, apart from being cubicle/desk neighbours, is to figure out what you enjoy doing and go from there. It’s easier said than done, but I’ve found the quickest way to get to the root of it is to spend time alone.

Alone, I can navigate my honest reactions and impulses without the subtle influences of others. Not that their opinions are harmful, but it helps to know what you’d truly choose to do given the chance. Almost as if we have free will or something.

Then I go from there. That’s how I ended up meeting a couple of my new friends, deciding to lean into writing on Substack and posting on TikTok. With them I find a similar ease, that resembles that of which I’ve had with more tenured friends. And there’s the added benefit of minimal context and history. There isn’t the weight of years to sway me into ignoring ‘red flags’ or behaviours I’m not interested in. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you meet, but you could meet a new friend anywhere.

fin

So, as Summer slowly makes its way around the world, I wanted to write this little reflection, almost as a reminder of how far I’ve come by microdosing agency into my life. Not everything that’s handed to you is for you, and that includes friends. Once you realise how much control you do have over the little things, everything else seems a little bit easier.

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Hi all, I’m currently on holiday hence the more reflective essay today. Hope you enjoy!

As per usual, you can find me on TikTok, Instagram (daily media recommendations) and Arca (curated recommendations)

1. T just reminded me of another example: “My ‘bring my friend does not disappoint’” trend is another example.