the ghosts of friendships past
friendships as the demarcation of time, love lost and lessons learnt.
There is a special kind of strength that rests in the bond between two people. It is buried in our words, our thoughts, growing patiently as we do. We nurture it, mend the cracks and sew our friendships back at the seams, stitching lives together one day at a time. Until we aren’t anymore. Weeks turn into years and paths diverge, slowly unwinding into narrow lanes and solitary plights. The spirit stays dormant and the ghosts of friendships past roam free.
The day I learnt the significance of friendships will remain seared in my mind for as long as I am afforded the gift of memory. I was eleven and the morning started with me crying at my mother’s bed before school. It was my first year living in London and I was struggling. There was seldom a night that could pass without me dreaming up a life in which I never left Amsterdam or Lagos. That morning, I learnt that a lot of my friends, one in particular, wouldn’t be in attendance and a fear unlike none other took hold. I had never felt so unsettled in my life. For the most part, I had been heavily reliant on solitude and in that moment I became acuteley aware of how much I had began to depend on people to get by. I don’t remember what was going on at school, something was always going on. All I remember was the fear. It had been a couple months since the move yet I still felt like an outsider, a feeling I never quite shook, and the absence of friends would force me to confront the shame. I may not have realised it at the time but, although I wasn’t completely happy, the comfort in seeing familiar faces had become an anchor for me to rely on. I pleaded with my mother to no avail and spent the day taming my worries and praying I would never be without friends again.
Childhood Friends
I’ll be the first to admit to nostalgia’s perpetual hold on me. It doesn’t help that I’ve got the memory of three men. You can imagine then, how easy it is for me to remember almost every childhood friend. In a way these early friendships are kind of like fairytales. They’re born out of innocence and for the most part they stay that way. It’s the simplest relationship you’ll ever have. You grow together, learn about people and each other together, the burdens of life yet to corrupt the sanctity of play. You’re at the mercy of time and time alone. Sometimes these friendships mature and follow us as we grow and change but if the bond was to fade it would only be natural as all good and simple things tend to end. Years could go by and we would still refer to them as a friend, maybe even a close friend. We don’t tend to feel the same way when it comes to the end of friendships formed later in life. Maybe it’s because, like siblings, these friends are a living embodiment of our connection to childhood. Of course we have the photos and the memories, but your favourite toy from twenty years ago can’t laugh with you or corroborate experiences. You have your parents, but just as you have grown, them and their role in your life has to. You may be older but your perception of your childhood friends is younger and they are living proof that you were once a child too.
I think this is why we often have no qualms with leaving these friendships in the past. We’re so disconnected from our childhood and earlier days that it feels only natural to section everything that comes with it off. The nature of life now is such that we are accustomed to sacrifice in the name of perseverance. We convince ourselves that anything akin to childhood must be limited or stopped in order to become an adult, so we look back on our childhood friendships with love and leave it at that, fairytales.
It’s harder to lose a friend as an adult, that often feels like a failure at first, especially when the reason is unclear. Unlike our earlier friendships, there is no apparent reason, greater cause or right of passage we could chalk the loss up to.
Low vs High Maintenance Friends
I often think about this categorisation of friendships and how I seem to straddle the line or at least I thought I did. In a way I resent the phrasing. There’s the underlying connotation that the effort needed to maintain a friendship or lack there of is a burden to at least one member of the party. The truth is, however, that to some, friendships are beginning to feel like a chore and there’s no mystery as to why. Our lives revolve around work and collecting hours so we can cash them in. The harder we work the better life gets, for some. We’ve automated almost every process to make life happen quicker in turn freeing up more hours to work. You can catch up with your friends passively, feign interactions with others and feel connected all from the comfort of your phone. Whilst it has its numerous benefits, let us not deceive ourselves as to the nature of friendships. It will always take some level of work, how much is up to whomever. Regardless, it’s not the effort I care so much about it’s the reciprocation. Friendships go through phases, things happen as they’re bound to, but as long as everyone’s honest as to the state of the friendship I cannot complain. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me however, how hard that is to do sometimes.
I’m partial to long historical friendships but I’m also very aware of the transient nature of almost everything and I’m at peace with it. That being said I still have my boundaries. There is only so much effort I can offer up, only so many texts I can send and calls I can make before a low maintenance friendship becomes speaking to a wall. I often see the take that “low maintenance friendships are an excuse for bad practices in friendships, or simply just being a bad friend”. I don’t wholeheartedly agree because I believe the dynamic works for some people, myself included sometimes. However, I can see how it quickly becomes this way. It’s difficult to admit we aren’t the friend we want to be, or the friends are loved ones wish us to be. Society may reward hard work and monetary gain above all else, but we are still expected to uphold some semblance of a balanced life to feed the dream. We watch shows like Sex in the City or Friends, media centered around friendships, and having a solid group of built in friends, all whilst living your “best life” (preferably in NYC) becomes synonymous with what adulthood should be. Friends are almost a given, we expect them to always be there and in a way we con ourselves into thinking that they always should no matter the circumstances, because that is what we are taught. After all, what good is any show without the lovable peripheral characters. If only it were that simple, you cannot fade into the background and expect to re-enter stage left cheered on by the laughing track.
So we reach out less, afraid of the ‘confrontation’ or running from the guilt that comes with thinking you’ve disappointed people. It’s either that or even worse, trying to pretend as though life hasn’t created a huge rift between the two of you. It’s simpler that way, calling it everything but what it is because accepting the end of a friendship feels too final. And yet, it must be. I prefer the clarity found in laying something to rest. I’d rather that than be stuck in a weird limbo feeling the guilt of needing more slowly corrupt my confidence. I often joke with my friends that “the minute I feel like a beggar I’m out”. It’s a joke but it’s true. I think we forget, especially when it comes to forming friendships, that we do not have to accept everything that is offered to us. A little of a good thing is no use to me if it’s not what I deserve. If a low maintenance friendship works for you and it’s founded in reciprocation and respect there’s nothing left to say, but you shouldn’t be boxed into one because you’re too scared of what lies on the other side of firm boundaries.
Losing The Part of You That Exists In Them
There’s been times I thought I missed certain people, but when you would ask me why, I would name the way I used to feel around them or the way I used to be before anything else. It’s a very selfish way to remember somebody. That’s not to say I was wrong to feel this way, only that the lines between my perception and reality were blurring into one. It’s a common phrase we hear all the time: “she/he/they just bring out the best in me”. Just as friendships are often a demarcation of time, they’re a conservatory of all the different sides of you you’ve left people see. I don’t have much to say on this other than this: it’s easier to rely on the better parts of our nature to be evoked by other people than put in the work to nurture them ourselves. This is particularly true if we’re unnecessarily hyper critical of ourselves. It’s easier to develop certain habits, outlooks or feelings if there’s an apparent purpose or reason. My only wish is that we afford ourselves the same courtesy of our best selfs as we gift our friends. The end of a friendship doesn’t mean the end of everything that came with it, just the form that it lived in.
A Couple Notes:
Hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing this.
I’ve created an instagram for the Onyiverse newsletter (@onyiverse2). I know a lot of you guys are from Tiktok(@onyiverse) and I’ll be posting similar short form writing but also some more about my research and film / book / tv recommendations.
I’m changing the structures of paid subscriptions
I’ve decided that that the podcast will be a mix of both free and paid episodes that way it’s the best of both worlds. So if you want full access it will be accessible through the paid subscription. Paid subscribers will also be getting extra newsletter posts
The podcast will start to pick up properly throughout this next month. I don’t want to give you guys a rushed project because I love writing this newsletter and everything that comes with it, stay tuned !!
(also i did a little rebranding if u guys noticed the new logo)
See you next week ppl
