romanticisation is the quickest route to disappointment

i blame the tiktok dating 'experts'

romanticisation:

to think about or describe something as being better or more attractive or interesting than it really is.

I am a curator, nostalgia’s eternal prisoner and an affirmed hopeless romantic. Unfortunately for me, I live in the real world. Life can be draining or invigorating, depending on the day, and should be treated as such. When I think about romanticisation, I’m torn. There’s aspects of it that are harmless (the hot girl walks, aesthetic library trips, healing solo trips) and then theres the romanticisation that seeps into the complexities of every day life.

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revelations from the Before Sunrise Trilogy

A couple weeks ago I watched the Before Sunrise film and the rest of the trilogy. It has instantly become one of my favourite films. Whilst the cinematography reeled me in, what stuck with me was the dialogue between the two main characters and their supposed lack of a filter. Celine was charming but introspective and Jesse was almost unbearably cynical. This could have easily been a simple boy meet girl story where the boy woos the girl and she inevitably succumbs to his overbearing allure, yet for the first time in a long time I felt like I was just watching two normal people on screen. Throughout the night, their flaws were unveiled and they had deeper conversations than I’ve had with some people I’ve known for years, all without judgment.

It made me think about this cycle I see often. We meet new people, and without a moment’s notice we start picturing the space they’re going to take up in our life, fantasizing about who they’re going to be for us. In the process we abandon their flaws, the little thing they need to work on or the wounds they harbour. Then, when they unavoidably want for something, say something, or do something that doesn’t fit this idealistic person we’ve moulded for them, we’re shocked or even worse disappointed. However, when you transform a person from who they are into this person you yearn for them to be, disappointment is constantly waiting in the wings. If only we could be more like Celine and Jesse, flawed but able to hold space for the other person’s full self.

There are usually two outcomes, this person is constantly living up to an unrealistic version of themselves or you are constantly letting things slide because of this perceived ‘potential’. Some people say it stems from low self esteem or worth. I also think it’s normal to want someone who seems perfectly suited to you. In today’s world where everything seems so bleak and isolating, how nice would it be to have the ideal confidant. In a way I think we think we deserve it, because of all the hardship life is putting us through, and whilst it would be great to not have to work for such things, life has never worked that way. People are messy, disappointing, complicated and ultimately a complex web of thoughts and experiences. People are also beautiful, loving, hopeful and everything in between. The beauty of connection is the joy found in uncovering all of this with them, instead of imposing a predestined path on yourselves.

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give yourself grace

We do it to ourselves too. Whilst we have many facets, we do not always present our authentic self. In the midst of manifestation, faking it till you make it or other platitudes, we neglect the part of ourselves that are still growing. When we only focus on the good, the rift between our reality and the destination grows deeper and deeper. Acknowledging and embracing all parts of ourself is easier said than done. We’ve led our lives with the belief no one will love the parts of us we don’t. We bury them and lead with the good, draping ourselves in glamour and perfection. It’s scary to think of the people we want, knowing all of us, yet I think it’s even scarier for them to not. Constantly shifting and hiding from others to protect the very things that make us human, denying them the chance to fully understand us. This way, I believe we will constantly be misunderstood and unfulfilled, looking for connection whilst we hinder our own happiness.