lord, show me how to say no to this...
Casa Amor, Hamilton, a little bit of Sartre and the accountability scarcity
People lie to themselves all the time. As a friend explained recently, ‘humans evolutionary success has depended on our ability to believe in things we cannot see’. Call it what you will, imagination, hope or vision, whilst inherently beneficial, are also why lies are so fruitful. We believe the lies. I’m not one to govern the inner workings of another’s mind or life, but I have some caveats. When lying to yourself inevitably leads to you lying to me, I’m afraid I’ll have to remove myself from the narrative.
And so yesterday I found myself in the midst of a Hamilton recital, singing amongst strangers and friends, launched into a mini rant about my least favourite lyric.
“Lord, show me how to say no to this. I don’t know how to say no to this” - Hamilton feigning resistance, about to launch into the affair of a century and cheat on his wife.
“I couldn’t help it”
The words were, “What is this narrative being spewed around as if we must all be rendered useless puppets in the face of temptation? Is he a child?” I almost feel as though there is a mass campaign in the works to desensitise people (women in particular) to selfish actions taken in the interest of one party to the detriment of the other.
So, imagine my annoyance when I opened TikTok this morning to be met with last night’s Love Island (LI) / Casa Amor (CA) antics. For those who haven’t been inundated with updates from the annual event (teach me your ways, please), Love Island is a reality TV show where 10-12 contestants in a villa try to find love. They risk being voted off or leaving if not chosen. During Casa Amor (CA), men and women are split into separate villas with new contestants to test their ‘relationships.’ After a week, they can choose to recouple or stay committed. Of course, chaos ensues when everyone reunites.
As it happens every year, people were slighted, disrespected, and cast aside. It’s nothing new. What piqued my interest was this conversation in particular, Ayo telling Mimi, “[it’s] just happened,…., I can’t help how I feel” after he chose to recouple and she chose to be ‘faithful.’ Look, I’m not here to dictate how these situations go, but I found it bizarre that in trying to rationalize his decision, maybe to himself and Mimi, Ayo says, “It’s not like I’ve gone and made that decision and this decision.” Am I going insane, or is that exactly what he’s done? The inability to claim his actions and take accountability, in the face of the person he’s deliberately hurt, will never cease to shock me. Even more so, his surprise when Mimi so gracefully decides to end whatever’s going on between them. I find that people are so unwilling to see themselves in a negative light that they don’t recognise how much worse they come across because of it.
acting in ‘bad faith’
It shows how little you care for the person you are lying to. Let me be clear before we continue, Hamilton’s transgressions are much more severe than Ayo’s, but they both prove a point: both, in their ways, act in what the French philosopher Sartre calls bad faith. Bad faith refers to ‘self-deception,’ typically when you lie to yourself to avoid the anxiety that comes with making decisions, denying your free will. We can see this clearly with both of these men; it’s essentially cognitive dissonance. While Sartre believes that bad faith is unavoidable in life, he emphasises the need to recognise that the ‘germ of destruction comes from within.’ I would argue that although Hamilton eventually takes some sort of accountability by writing the Reynolds Pamphlet, he would not meet Sartre’s criteria for authentic living. Throughout the song, ‘Say No To This,’ he calls out for God’s help and guidance as if the strength needed to refuse is divine and not one of man. By doing so, he reinforces the idea that succumbing to such temptation, he would not be at fault. After all, he is just a man, and what is the man against the forces of a higher power?
“delusion is not the solution”
Ultimately, by engaging in a grand delusion of this nature, you rob your partner of their humanity. While you are so moved by forces out of your control, must your partner be impervious to the consequences of your actions? You feel too much, so they must not, and this is why I call it deeply unsettling. In both these cases, at least initially, there is no regard for the embarrassment or shame they will cast upon their partners. Ayo aside, Love Island is notorious for such things. If you’ve watched LI at least once, you would know about ‘movie night.’ Essentially, everything that happens during Casa Amor is broadcast for all the contestants to watch. Most times, the islanders are expected to explore other contestants, and there is certainly a way to do it respectfully. However, there have been several instances where people have been disrespectful or physically intimate with other people, knowing their ‘partner/couple’ will have to watch. In Hamilton’s case, he only confessed because he was being accused of ‘improper speculation’ when, in fact, he was paying off his mistress’s husband. We’re never shown a scene of him apologising to his wife, Elizabeth. I think it’s safe to say that he had little to no remorse. When Elizabeth’s sister and Hamilton’s former confidant, Angelica, returns to her sister’s aide, Hamilton says, “Thank God someone who understands what I’m struggling here to do.” Even at his lowest, Hamilton refuses to think outside of himself and acknowledge the colossal mistake he’s made. In Ayo’s case, his regret is shown after Mimi walks away from their conversation.
It makes me think, what do you lose in honesty? Lies, while useful in the moment, are almost always a double-edged sword. Eventually, you must face your actions, and it is pride that stops you from making any progress. We want to be seen as unfaltering in our decisions. Yes, we lied, but we must have done so for a reason befitting the crime. If not, what was it all for? Saving face is nice, but refusing to show your faults and full self in front of the one you’ve wronged only acts to further alienate them. It eradicates any prior trust or relationship you may have built. What good is the bond if you aren’t able to act in deference and come clean, emotionally and literally? So now, not only must they reckon with the weight of the lie itself, but they must now mourn the dissolution of a friendship.
“being the better person”
It's why I wanted to scream at my screen watching the Ashley Madison documentary. I watched Sam ‘confess’ to Nia, only to reveal he hadn’t told her the entire truth. I won’t comment on them staying together; I support people’s agency. However, in contrast, I want to highlight Mimi and Elizabeth Schuyler’s immediate reactions. I won’t lie to you; initially, I took pleasure in their response. Both exhibited a calm demeanour, seeming as unbothered as they could be. Mimi’s act was so convincing people have started calling her boring, amongst other things. There is a silent victory in robbing assailants of the reaction they so crave from you. I do believe that some people wrong you solely because they are disillusioned with the power dynamic between you. They believe that, for some reason, whether it’s money, looks, or status, you wouldn’t leave/confront them. So, in denying them the satisfaction, you may have the upper hand.
However, it would be naive of us to stop there with the analysis. Let us be real with ourselves: if Mimi had reacted with even a hint of anger or frustration, we know what would have happened. We would have woken up to ‘angry black woman’ allegations on our timelines and once again be forced to deal with society’s skewed perception of black women. In the 1790s, Elizabeth had no other option but to be silent. While today, a woman could divorce her husband and walk away content, this wouldn’t have been an option. The livelihood of her kids and herself relies on her marriage to her husband. We can praise her, but she had no other choice. Even today, women are still faced with the pseudoscience of the sexes. Men claim they are too emotional and overly motivated by whim, and so, in turn, we think it would be easier to shut down.
I have fallen victim to this trap. There was a situation in particular in which a man said something almost bewildering to me. I have less of an ego now, so I can admit that I was incredibly hurt by what I was told. Somehow, I became the one comforting him; the weight of his admission seemed too great to bear. Looking back, it feels like a fever dream. I would hope that being the person I am now, I wouldn’t find myself in that position. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but I took notice of something very interesting. While I reserved my supposedly feminine breakdown for the comfort of my home, I embodied the traits society deems acceptable. There I was, patting his shoulders, soothing him through this difficult moment. I feel we often conflate this instinct with what love should be. Women, less and less, are often told to stay throughout tumultuous relationships/marriages and are tasked with rebuilding the home. It is said that if you loved each other, you would make it work. Personally, the stakes are too high for me to ride or die for anyone.
I’ve focused on romantic relationships because that was what I took note of this week, thus inspiring this essay. I would like to say before we end that I do believe almost everything I’ve touched on applies to relationships in any form. At their core, these are stories on trust, accountability, and authenticity—things we really should try to exemplify in everyday life. I almost always choose what I say with a surgeon’s precision. I’m the kind of person who researches the etymological differences between the words nice and kind to make my best point, and I always try to say exactly what I mean. As you can probably tell, the manipulation/misuse of words, creating a shield to hide behind, irks me to no end.
Humans lie, we have, and we will continue to, but I do think if we truly embraced reality and grew to be more self-critical (in a healthy way, of course), our relationships would thrive.
Hope you guys enjoyed this week’s essay !! Don’t forget I have started the Dear X series where you can email in your writing prompts / queries and I'll write a letter to you in response. (all anonymous of course). Think of it as a literary agony aunt. If you want to participate email me using onyiverse@substack.com